What is good writing?
Is it the kind of thing that makes you think? Does it change the way you view the world and make you want to undo all the wrongs you've ever done? Does it make you wish you could go back and do more wrongs than you did, just for the sheer, beautiful regret of it all? Does it make you laugh, cry, wonder, gasp in surprise?
Or does it simply make you glad to be alive?
I was just thinking about the difference between "good writing" and "bad writing" after reading an article in the SLC Examiner about author vs. author slurs over the past several hundred years. (It was actually pretty funny, but also harsh at times.)
I know I've been guilty of hating on fellow wordsmiths in the past, even those who are much more experienced and well, published, than I am. (In fact, it's usually those ones I hate on the most in my pithiest moments.) But then I started thinking. (A dangerous pastime for me, and often a large consumer of my time I'm afraid.)
Why do we (writers) feel that someone else has to FAIL in order for us to SUCCEED? Is there some kind of indelible, widely-published writer's "Law of the Jungle" or something that states we must either kill or be killed just to sell books? And whenever someone markets their project in a certain way or writes a certain manner of fiction at a certain time and happens to hit the big time, why do we all (myself included) feel the need to tear that person down out of jealousy? Where does it say that there is a finite number of authors who can become internationally known in such-and-such period of time? It's not like a marathon, where every person who crosses the finish line before us counts as one less place we can attain in the overall ranking. At least, I don't think it is.
In reality (in literature) whenever an author hits it big, that person is probably paving the way for other authors more than he/she is shutting them out of a chance for future success. Just look at Dan Brown. When he started being the next thing in books, a TON of others who'd been writing the same sort of hidden cypher mysteries for ages finally got noticed. And Stephanie Meyer (though a non-favorite of mine for quite some time) did seem to manage to get young teenage girls--as well as a few closeted boys--to fall in love with reading again. In the long run, those changes will probably HELP future authors more than they'll hinder them.
So what is this obsession with arguing over whether a bestselling writer's work is "deserving" or not? Obviously, they did something right. And if (God willing) I'm ever in the position of someone like Dan Brown or Stephanie Meyer, I'm sure that I'll appreciate not being called a hack just for the sake of assuaging some burgeoning young writer's wounded pride.
Actually, it's a lesson we can all apply to most things in our lives. Instead of hating on someone for their successes (that you don't have), instead of counting it as a fail on your own part and a win on theirs, maybe chalk it up to a win for the whole human race. "Yeah, go team humans!!! Woooohooo!!!"
Anyway, I just thought I would share that. With myself as well as the rest.
Have a great, positive day!
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
The Seven Yard Rule
Hey everyone, I know it’s been a little while… and I’m sorry. Did you miss me? Are you feeling alone in the world without my occasionally biting, yet ingenious rhetoric? Do you sometimes lie awake at night, staring at the ceiling, and think “Why have you forsaken me, Vero!? WHY?”
I thought as much.
By way of excuse, I offer you this slightly enigmatic explanation: the best is yet to come, my friends. You can take this little tidbit and run with it, or you can spend endless hours trying to prize further information from me, and upon failing, curse my future progeny. Make of it what you will, but know that I am otherwise engaged in a task most impressive.
Anyway, today’s topic is one that I’ve often wondered about, but never blogged about. It is of course, the always unspoken, never recorded yet nonetheless universal “Seven Yard Rule.” What do you mean you’ve never heard of it? Preposterous! I shall explain…
Picture this: You’re walking down a long, practically empty hallway. In either direction, there are no doors, perpendicular passages, or escape routes of any kind. All of a sudden, someone enters the hallway at the other end, traveling in the other direction. Panic sets in. You’re facing each other, approaching ever so slowly. It’s inevitable that your paths will soon intersect. Social morays dictate that you will acknowledge them in some way, yet at the same time you both instinctively fear the intimacy of prolonged eye contact. You see them, and they see you. But the distance is still too great for a the traditional nod or muttered “how are you?” to be anything other than awkward and ineffectual.
What do you do? The answer is obvious, and like I said before, completely programmed into your very being. You continue walking, staring at the floor or pretending great interest in your cell phone or other electronic device. Perhaps even the texture of the walls. You look at anything, everything EXCEPT the person in your path…Until they are EXACTLY SEVEN YARDS AWAY.
At this point, you will both look up at the EXACT same moment, regard one another as though seeing each other for the first time. Then you’ll exchange the socially appropriate smile, nod or “how are you?” if occasion permits. Once you’ve passed, a small sigh of relief will pass your lips. The moment of inevitable social interaction has passed. That is, until the next unlucky pedestrian happens by…
That, my friends, is the Seven Yard Rule.
I thought as much.
By way of excuse, I offer you this slightly enigmatic explanation: the best is yet to come, my friends. You can take this little tidbit and run with it, or you can spend endless hours trying to prize further information from me, and upon failing, curse my future progeny. Make of it what you will, but know that I am otherwise engaged in a task most impressive.
Anyway, today’s topic is one that I’ve often wondered about, but never blogged about. It is of course, the always unspoken, never recorded yet nonetheless universal “Seven Yard Rule.” What do you mean you’ve never heard of it? Preposterous! I shall explain…
Picture this: You’re walking down a long, practically empty hallway. In either direction, there are no doors, perpendicular passages, or escape routes of any kind. All of a sudden, someone enters the hallway at the other end, traveling in the other direction. Panic sets in. You’re facing each other, approaching ever so slowly. It’s inevitable that your paths will soon intersect. Social morays dictate that you will acknowledge them in some way, yet at the same time you both instinctively fear the intimacy of prolonged eye contact. You see them, and they see you. But the distance is still too great for a the traditional nod or muttered “how are you?” to be anything other than awkward and ineffectual.
What do you do? The answer is obvious, and like I said before, completely programmed into your very being. You continue walking, staring at the floor or pretending great interest in your cell phone or other electronic device. Perhaps even the texture of the walls. You look at anything, everything EXCEPT the person in your path…Until they are EXACTLY SEVEN YARDS AWAY.
At this point, you will both look up at the EXACT same moment, regard one another as though seeing each other for the first time. Then you’ll exchange the socially appropriate smile, nod or “how are you?” if occasion permits. Once you’ve passed, a small sigh of relief will pass your lips. The moment of inevitable social interaction has passed. That is, until the next unlucky pedestrian happens by…
That, my friends, is the Seven Yard Rule.
Saturday, February 06, 2010
ZOOBIEISMS:
The Layperson’s Guide to Understanding “Zoobie” Talk
INTRODUCTION:
What is a Zoobie?
A “Zoobie”, regardless of recent marketing, is NOT a fuzzy, bean-filled child’s toy in the shape of a jungle creature. (If you’re wondering how I even arrived at this conflicting definition, please see zoobies.com.) While this seems to be a valid definition, based on recent copyright actions, the definition of a “Zoobie” that this *usage dictionary chooses to focus on is the following:
ZOOBIE /Zooh-bee/
1. A term used in Utah, mainly Utah Valley, to describe the excited bunch of Mormons that go to BYU and engage in excessive social activities. It's very common usage here.
2. A group of people characterized by their fondness of acronyms relating to LDS and BYU subjects
3. A highly intense example of what happens when you combine spirituality, excessive amounts of study, and no mood-altering substances whatsoever
“I was awoken [sic] late at night with chanting by who [sic] could only be the Zoobies, exclaiming in chorus that they were to, ‘Paint the Y! Let's Paint the Y!’”
(Urbandictionary.com)
*The term “usage dictionary” is here used loosely and in the very informal sense. This guide is not to be considered all-inclusive, or even totally correct. Definitions are subject to ameliorate, pejorate, or undergo slight semantic shift based on listener inference.
ZOOBIE DEFINITIONS AND TERMS, BY CATEGORY:
SOCIAL INTERACTIONS
BREAK-THE-FAST
n. A popular, occasionally BYU-sanctioned singles ward activity that is geared toward bringing ward members together into the same area with the goal of fostering relationships and greater understanding between genders. The event usually includes a lunch or dinner-like meal, and can either be provided by the ward leadership or a committee, or it can be “potluck style” (i.e. bring your own macaroni and cheese or spaghetti and don’t forget to take your pot back home) This is the formal, official term for this activity, but there are several other informal slang terms for this event. (See “Munch n’ Mingle”, “Graze n’ Gaze”, “Linger Longer”, etc.)
“Hey Dave, don’t forget it’s Fast Sunday, so we’ve got Break-the-Fast.”
DTR /Dee-Tee-Ahr/
n. An acronym that loosely stands for “Define the Relationship”, but has grown to include several other variants of the noun form, such as:
1. A discussion between two parties that can be held at any phase in a romantic relationship, usually referring to relationship status
“Shaun and I had a DTR last night.”
2. A discussion that is launched by one of the parties in a “couple”, meant to solidify the status of a dating relationship through forcing the other party to talk about it openly
“Jennifer, I think it’s time we had a DTR.”
3. An attempt to make a dating relationship exclusive, generally thought to be initiated by the female in a BYU dating relationship, often feared by co-ed men in general
“Beth tried to make me have a DTR with her last night!”
v. The verb form of DTR, basically meaning the same thing but informally used to denote subject/object relationship in the DTR discussion
“Man, I can’t believe you totally DTR’d me!”
Or “I am not going to DTR with you, Kevin!”
FWB /Fwub/
n. An acronym for the term “Friends with Benefits,” can be applied to a NCMO partner by their non-significant other. Usually only used in a very, very informal setting (i.e. one roommate to another, when the subject of this term is definitely out of hearing distance)
“Jim, your FWB is on the phone!”
GRAZE N’GAZE
n. An informal slang term used for the auxiliary social event in a singles ward. While less commonly used, this term strongly implies a motive for social connections, with an added incentive of some food.
“Steve, you know why I don’t like the Graze n’ Gaze. It’s a total meat market!”
LINGER LONGER
n. Yet another term for the auxiliary ward social, this term can be anything from the typical after-church fast-breaking activity, to the light snacks offered after RS/EQ. Usually this event is meant to entice ward members into staying a bit longer and talking a bit more than is absolutely necessary, as opposed to the “instant flight” that usually occurs directly after meetings.
“We don’t have time to stay for the Linger Longer, we have to go make dinner for the Home Teachers!”
MUNCH N’MINGLE
n. Another term for a Break-the-Fast activity (or a similar event where food is present as an incentive to socialize during an auxiliary ward function). The implied semantic connotation present in this phrase is that socialization is a secondary objective to the feast portion of the activity.
“Where did you meet your new boyfriend again?”
“At the 167th Ward’s Munch n’ Mingle last week.”
NCMO /Nic-Moh/
n. An acronym that commonly stands for “Non-Committal Make Out”, used by co-eds to describe an encounter where a male and a female meet at a predetermined time and place to “hook up” or kiss, but no other relationship status is pending or implied. This term is very informal and usually only spoken in casual settings. Also, the practice is generally frowned upon.
“Yeah, that time didn’t mean anything though, it was just a NCMO.”
v. The verb usage of this particular acronym is a variation of the noun form, a derivation which literally means “to non-committally make out”. Only used in very informal settings and rarely as a propositional phrase, unless the speaker is completely unaware of social connotation or has little or no scruples.
“So…you wanna NCMO?”
TUNNELING
v. The shortened, slang form of “Tunnel Singing”, a popular nighttime activity for BYU students. Almost always takes place in the large overpass area near the Marriott Events Center, and the majority of attendees are either freshmen or live in on-campus housing. Common themes of a tunneling event include several a capella hymns sung by flashlight and blanket toting students, announcements of mission calls from Premies, and assessment of potential future dates.
“Lance, are you coming tunneling with us later?”
WARD FLIRT
n. Another term for Ward Prayer; this carries a connotation of skepticism for the event, based on a perceived underlying purpose: obviously, to get ward members to date each other.
“Jake, don’t think I didn’t notice you checking me out at Ward Flirt.”
WARD PRAYER
n. A popular, BYU-sanctioned activity where student single’s ward members gather after regular meetings, usually in the evening on Sundays. The activity usually includes an opening prayer and hymn, introductions of some kind, a short message, and a closing prayer and hymn. Refreshments are optional, as is attendance. Incentives range from the vague promise of cookies, to the cute girl in building C.
“Hey Kristin, come on! We’re gonna be late for Ward Prayer!”
EVENTS
DEVO /Dee-voh/
n. The shortened, commonly used term for Devotional (sometimes called a forum); this is held on campus every Tuesday at eleven am in the Marriott Center during fall and winter semesters, and in the JSB auditorium during spring and summer terms. Common activities included in a campus “Devo” are opening prayers, group hymns, musical numbers by the Men’s or Women’s Choruses, introductions by President Samuelson, and addresses from various keynote speakers. General authorities usually visit at least once a year to speak at a Devo, during which time attendance usually triples or at least doubles.
“Do you know who’s speaking at Devo next week?”
“Yeah, it’s Eyring, man. I’m totally there!”
HOLY WAR
n. The annual football game where BYU plays its arch-rival team, University of Utah. Marked for its intense advertising campaign, its catchy red v. blue color scheme, and its ability to exponentially increase the amount of team spirit at BYU in a single week; unfortunately, spirit generally returns to normal directly after the game. The term, while informal in its origins, has actually spread across the United States and is occasionally used by sports announcers, national publications, and even general authorities when discussing the occasion.
“This year’s Holy War is shaping up to be more brutal than ever!”
PREFERENCE /Pre-frence/
n. A seasonal dance held at BYU; the main thing that categorizes this activity is that it defies, or bends, tradition in the most general sense. For, rather than the men asking the women to attend, the girls are supposed to invite the guys. It is therefore called “preference”; as rumor has it, this is because for once, the girls actually get to choose their dates instead of simply going with whoever asks them first.
“Hey Jess, do you have a date for Preference yet?”
CAMPUS LOGISTICS
ASB, the
n. The acronym more commonly used for the Abraham O. Smoot Administration building, which is also sometimes referred to as the “Smoot”; most likely because Smoot is a very fun word to say. This building houses many facilities that are necessary for a BYU student’s registration needs, as well as the Purchasing and Travel office, BYU Payroll, BYU Info… and is also rumored to hold what amounts to BYU’s version of the CIA. However, those who have attempted to find proof of this organization’s existence have never been heard from again, so it’s possible we may never know.
“Hey Bill, I’ll be right over; I’m just passing the ASB.”
BRIMHALL, the /Brimm-hall/
n. As it is for many print journalism majors and other classifications of communications majors, the George H. Brimhall building, or the “Brimhall”, is commonly referred to as a journalism student’s “home away from hostel”, “that really ugly building over there,” the center for the Daily Universe, and a really good place to find cute girls who are never too busy studying to go out.
“Derek, where did you meet Kathy again? She is SO cute!”
“One word, dude: Brimhall.”
CLIFFS OF INSANITY
n. The informal, niche slang term for the stairs that climb the west side of campus, from the RB or the SFH up to the newly completed JFSB. These stairs are several flights long and climb the hill at an approximate seventy-five degree angle, and are notorious for causing extreme shortness of breath in overfed freshmen and under-active upperclassmen.
The term itself was stolen from the popular 1987 Zoobie favorite, the Princess Bride. Stealing quotes from this movie and applying them to life in Provo is a favorite Zoobie pastime, in addition to reusing quotes from Napoleon Dynamite, Zoolander, and Nacho Libre.
“Hey man, let’s wait until it’s dark and sled down the Cliffs of Insanity!”
CLYDE, the
n. An abbreviation that stands for the W.W. Clyde Engineering Building, which is home to about fifty-six percent of the eligible male population on campus. For this reason, you will often see younger female students who have no classes in this building nonchalantly “hanging out” in the first floor common areas. The unfortunate side of this strategy is that the husband-searching hopefuls often do not realize that eighty percent of the target population in this building is married, and the other twenty percent have absolutely no intention of conversing with the opposite gender. Ever (IF).
“Oh my gosh Lily, let’s go buzz the Clyde and like, see if there are any cute guys!”
CRABTREE, the
n. An abbreviation of the unlikely-named Roland A. Crabtree Technology Building; the Crabtree is where one can find a solution for any known computer problem or technical issue; provided that they can learn to speak “tech” well enough to communicate with the natives.
“Janell, I can tell you’ve been in the Crabtree all day, because you’ve got a certain haze about you. Remember, complete sentences are good sentences.”
FRESHMAN HILL
n. This is the local slang term used mainly by anyone who has ever lived in on campus housing (specifically, Helaman Halls), or someone who spends a lot of time on the western portion of BYU campus. It refers to the sloping path that leads to and from Helaman Halls and the Tanner Building (TNRB), and is the site of many occurrences of freshmen hazing, and an equal or greater number of proposals.
“Why do they call it ‘Freshman Hill’? It’s not even a hill.”
“Dunno…Because ‘the Cliffs of Insanity’ was already taken?”
HAROLD
n. The affectionate, though less commonly used abbreviation for the HBLL, or Harold B. Lee Library. Usually spoken by those who spend so much time there that to them, the library itself has become a sentient life form.
“Hey Rosie, let’s hang out tonight.”
“Thanks, but I can’t. I’ve got a date with Harold.”
HBLL, the
n. A common acronym for the Harold B. Lee Library. Located at the virtual center of BYU campus, this structure is more like home to a majority of Zoobies than their actual homes.
“Do you want to meet at the HBLL? I’ll be in Periodicals.”
HFAC, the /Aych-Fack/
n. The official acronym for the Franklin S. Harris Fine Arts Center (without the Franklin S., it’s HFAC; with the Franklin S. it would’ve been the FSHFAC, which is too hard to pronounce and remember, apparently). The purpose of this building is ninety percent musical, and about ten percent educational. While there are a few classrooms designed for lecture-style teaching, the bulk of the rooms are soundproofed and filled with resonant banging or the strains of a novice musician’s latest masterpiece. The HFAC is also home to the Dejong Concert Hall (pronounced Dee-yong) and several musical theater productions a year.
“Do you know what time Hamlet starts?”
“No, but I’ll bet someone in the HFAC would be able to tell you.”
IPF, the
n. This acronym stands for the Indoor Practice Facility, which is a relatively new addition to BYU campus. Within the large, rectangular structure is a full-sized practice football field, or two side-by-side soccer practice fields. The IPF has proven quite useful for year round training in the likely event of inclement weather, as Utah is quite prone to having. Also, the IPF has made it possible to have certain specialized sports and physical education classes during the winter semester.
“I have Martial Arts class over at the IPF, but then I’m free for the afternoon.”
J-DAWGS
n. The Lord’s answer to the humble prayers of those who drink caffeine on a fairly regular basis; this small entrepreneurial hot dog stand can be found at the southeast corner of campus. In addition to selling actual Pepsi products, the stand also offers gigantic hot dogs for a reasonable price. In short, J-Dawgs is a Zoobie dream come true.
“I’ve got fifteen minutes before class starts. J-Dawgs, anyone?”
JFSB, the
n. JFSB is an acronym for the Joseph Fielding Smith Building, one of the newest (and best—inserts shameless flattery) buildings on campus. The JFSB is home to the colleges of language, some humanities, and philosophy. So, if you want to declare an English language minor (or Elang), this is the building you would want to visit.
“Why does my cell phone never work down here? It’s like the JFSB basement has vortex capabilities or something!”
JKHB – JKB, the
n. What was once called the Jesse Knight Humanities Building (or the JKHB) has now been shortened to simply the “JKB”, or Jesse Knight Building. Sources say this is a result of the completion of the newer, larger JFSB, which has taken over most of the humanities departments. One can still attend language classes in this building, and it also holds a pretty good monopoly on the elementary education major, as far as location of classes.
“Where in the world is the JKHB? I can’t find it on the map!”
“Oh, you mean the JKB? It’s right by the ASB; you have an old map.”
JSB, the
n. This acronym stands for the school’s center of religious instruction; a building named the Joseph Smith Building after the first LDS prophet and founder of Mormonism. The building is mostly used for classes having to do with religion, but will also occasionally host other events on the weekends, such as Divine Comedy shows or really old black and white movies. The much hated Bio 100 “mass class” also meets here, and is a very lovely time and place for a nap.
“Shh, be quiet! Don’t you know you’re in the JSB?”
“Yeah, what’s with that? It’s like church in here.”
KMB, the
n. Acronym (the Zoobies LOVE the acronym, in case you haven’t noticed) for the Knight Magnum Building; the sometimes Bond-reminiscent named structure houses a practice facility for auxiliary performance clubs like “Living Legends” and “Young Ambassadors”. Also, if you ever walk by the KMB and hear tap dancing and a few bars from Hello Dolly, keep walking. It’s completely normal (IF).
“I wish the KMB weren’t so close to J-Dawgs. I can’t stop humming ‘Zippety Doo Dah’ while I’m standing in line, and it’s embarrassing.”
MARB, the
n. Most popular acronym for the Thomas L. Martin Building. I’m not really sure what goes on in this building, aside from several BYU student wards’ Sunday meetings.
“Where do you have to go now?”
“I’ve got class in the MARB at three.”
MTC /Em-Tee-See/
n. The shortened, acronym version of the LDS Missionary Training Center. Though not actually located on BYU campus, the MTC is referenced so often by Zoobies that it might as well be. (Though, to be sure, the inevitable mixing of lifestyles that would ensue could cause a few culture clashes.) Life in the MTC, while not too far off from life in the dorms, is surprisingly a lot more regimented than life on BYU campus; believe it or not.
“I walked by the MTC again today; I was hoping I could catch a glimpse of my future RM boyfriend.”
RB, the
n. The acronym that occasionally takes the place of the fully named Stephen L. Richards Building, also often called the “Richards Building”. The only reasons for going into this particular structure would be to attend dance classes or P.E. classes, to participate in BYU intramurals, to go to HEPE 129 (which is the 3rd most hated class on BYU campus), to utilize the free gym, or to pick up on dance class girls.
“Where is your volleyball game tonight?”
“Naturally, it’s in the RB.”
Smith Fieldhouse (SFH), the
n. For some reason, Zoobies tend to shy away from using the provided acronym for this building (SFH). This might be for a number of reasons: it might take too much breath to say, the letters might be easily confused, or perhaps because the bulk of the students who use this building are consecrated sports junkies, it sounds too much like a college football team that they hate or something. For whatever reason, the George Albert Smith Fieldhouse is most commonly called “the Smith Fieldhouse.”
“It’s too cold to run outside, I’m going over to the Smith Fieldhouse to do laps on the indoor track.”
SMOOT, the
n. Another slang term for the ASB. Once again, because it is very fun to say.
“I need to go take this add/drop card to the Smoot.”
STAIRS OF DEATH
n. A secondary term that is often applied by students to the ridiculously long flights of stairs that can be found on the west and south ends of campus. Sometimes as many as 80-90 steps in height, they are very hard to climb when one is out of shape and are of a very terrifying gradient. See also “the Cliffs of Insanity.”
“Ah man, I left my Chemistry 100 book in the RB. Now I have to climb the Stairs of Death again!”
SWKT, the /Swick-it/
n. Definitely in the top five most fun building acronyms to say; the Spencer W. Kimball Tower is also among the tallest buildings on campus (if you’re not counting the smoke stack thing with a huge Y on it, which students rarely do). This square, thirteen-story building is home to the College of Nursing, the American Heritage lab, and nobody really cares what else.
“Has anyone ever been to the top of the SWKT? Gosh, I would love to bungee off of there.”
THE BOARD
1. n. The first Zoobie definition of “the Board” (note that it is never “board, the”, but always “the Board.) is the infamous, nefarious, or simply famous (depending on who you are) 100 Hour Board. “The Board is a BYU online forum of volunteer students who answer any question they are asked within 100 hours. It is also a place where diverse personalities can interact in a forum relatively free of a social judgments, a place where sensitive and personal questions can be addressed anonymously and given doctrinally-centered answers by a group of caring peers, and a place to learn the history of the billboard, how many pages a Word document will hold, and how to get a locker in the RB locker room. It's funny, friendly, and fascinating.” (Quote taken from http://theboard.byu.edu/)
“How many floors are in the SWKT?”
“I don’t know, ask the Board.”
2. n. The other definition most commonly attached to “the Board” is the large bulletin board located in the basement level of the Wilk, or WSC. This board contains 3 x 5 cards posted by Zoobies hoping to buy or sell anything from wedding dresses (used or unused) to winter housing contracts.
“Did you check the Board to see if there were any openings for fall semester? I really want to live off-campus.”
THE Y /Thu-Wye/
n. Built in 1906, “the Y” is a large, painted cement capital letter branded on the hillside above BYU. It was originally intended to spell out “BYU” and would cover several acres of land, but instead was left as simply “Y” and thereafter the university itself is sometimes referred to as such, as an even shorter form of BYU. When Zoobies use this term, it is usually in reference to the one on the mountain, as the use of “the Y” to describe the school is considered an outsider tradition. (LDS non-Utah residents with friends/family at BYU will often use this term to describe the school, but the rule is similar to that of the term “SoCal”, which is only used by people who do not live there, or as a tongue-in-cheek self-depreciation by those who do.)
“Let’s go hike the Y!”
WILK, the (WSC)
n. The Earnest L. Wilkinson Student Center (which is the social hub of BYU campus if you’re a Zoobie) is never referred to by its entire name, except in very formal settings such as this one. Everywhere else, you will either hear it referred to as “the Wilk”, or the “WSC” if someone is looking down at a map of campus.
“Do you want to meet in the Wilk for lunch again today?”
MISCELLANIOUS ZOOBIE TERMS
BELMONT GIRL /Bell-mohnt Gurl/
n. This term refers to a female BYU student who may or may not actually live in the Belmont complex that is located in the ritzy area east of campus. The name did, in fact, derive from the well-spread reputations of girls who actually lived there; now it can be used by a Zoobie to describe any girl who seems to be living on a large budget that is not her own, drives an expensive car that she did not buy for herself, and seeks a husband who can continue to support her current lifestyle. Supposed earmarks of a Belmont Girl are: huge sunglasses, clothing in the absolute latest fashions, and excessively tan skin out of season.
“Yeah, Susan is cute. But she’s kind of a Belmont Girl.”
BUTTERFACE /Buht-her-face/
n. This term applies to a female “specimen” who is attractive from the neck down. The term is very informal, and usually only voiced by the immature, male Zoobie. It derives from the phrase, “Yeah, she has a good body, but her face…” Hence, the “but her face” shifts to “Butterface.” It is not a flattering or nice term, and is sure to be viewed as an insult by most listeners.
“I’m embarrassed to say that I learned about the term ‘Butterface’ from my father-in-law.”
CECIL /See-sill/
n. This is the first name of BYU president, Cecil O. Samuelson. It was popularized as a label with the advent of the phrase “Cecil is my homeboy” in 2005, which spurred irreverent Zoobies to begin calling the eminent educational leader by his rather hilarious first name, instead of President Samuelson, as his position deserves.
“I heard Cecil is going to speak in our ward next week.”
“Cool!”
CHASTITY LINE
n. “Chastity Line” is the slang term used by Zoobies to denote the invisible line in a male or female’s student apartment where the common areas end and the living areas begin. In most apartments, it is the line between the kitchen or living room and the hallway leading to bedrooms and restrooms. This line is generally feared by Zoobies because crossing it would break the Honor Code.
“Dude, make sure your UVSC girl doesn’t cross the Chastity Line; she doesn’t know any better.”
CIVILITY DICTATE, or DICTATE CIVILITY
v. This term, taken directly from the BYU Honor Code, has been re-formed into a slang verb phrase that means “to use the restroom.” This is because in the Honor Code, it is illegal to cross the “Chastity Line” in an apartment of the opposite gender, even to use the restroom; except in extreme cases of emergency or “when civility dictates.”
“Hey Laura, if you don’t mind I’m going to ‘dictate civility’ before we go.”
Or, “Don’t ‘civility dictate,’ John, when you can just as easily go across the hall.”
COSMO
n. Since October 15, 1953, Cosmo the Cougar has been known as the official mascot of BYU. He can be seen at almost any sports event, doing things like hand stands and t-shirt shooting for the crowds of BYU fans. Though it is not widely known, Cosmo is actually powered by at least three different anonymous male students (who are undoubtedly Zoobies to the core) per year. One of the main characteristics of Cosmo, besides his BYU jersey and fuzzy face, is that he is never allowed to speak; he only communicates through elaborate sports pantomimes.
“Hey, did you see Cosmo on BYU TV last week? That story was hilarious.”
COUGARETTES
n. The Cougarettes are the other, more feminine mascots of BYU. Unofficially (IF). Comprised of about twenty talented female dancers, the Cougarettes dance team performs at major sports events and competes on a national level. This group is not to be confused with the BYU Cheerleaders, which are an entirely different organization. For a male Zoobie, making this mistake could result in a member of the Cougarettes becoming offended and refusing to date the erroneous party.
“Did you see Mark’s new girlfriend? She’s a Cougarette.”
“Right on! Go, Mark!”
CTR /See-Tee-Ahr/
v. Another one of the beloved acronyms, CTR is not only used by Zoobies, but by members of the LDS church all over the world. It stands for “Choose the Right”, and is a central motto of Mormons, BYU students, and Zoobies alike.
“Have you seen my ‘CTR’ ring?”
EQP
n. An acronym for the “Elders Quorum President” in an LDS ward. Used mainly by Zoobies because of the frequent nature of this title’s usage in Zoobie conversation; when you repeat it enough, saying Elders Quorum president becomes redundant.
“I just got a call from my EQP. He said I need to pass the sacrament tomorrow.”
EXEC SEC
n. The shortened, rather lazy form of “Executive Secretary”, which refers to a position that is held by at least one person in every LDS ward. For some reason, this position is always held in BYU student wards by the Zoobiest of RM’s imaginable. The reason for this phenomenon is unknown.
“Will you give the exec sec a call later today and make an appointment?”
HT’s
n. An acronym (surprise!) that stands for Home Teachers, a position that nearly every priesthood holder in an LDS ward holds. Their job is to visit a certain, assigned group of people (both male and female) each month, and report back to the EQP on the well-being of ward members. These visits almost always occur within the last one to five days of any given month. Zoobies shorten this title for convenience, and due to their obvious obsession with acronyms.
“Hey Lori, get out of the shower, the HT’s are here!”
MEAT MARKET
n. This term is a self-depreciating phrase applied to anything from ward Break-the-Fast, to the MFHD major. Basically, the usage of this term implies that the speaker senses an underlying goal to “pair off” participants of said activity or group and re-package them into an eternal couple. This term is not necessarily always used in a negative way, but also can take the form of good natured ribbing.
“Wow, look at all of the RM’s; it’s a total Meat Market in here.”
MFHD /Em-Eff-Aych-Dee/
n. Among the most notorious majors at BYU is the Marriage and Family Human Development major. This acronym is applied to many students in a very official sense, but can also be directed at someone who isn’t actually in the major but seems to be looking for marriage first and graduation later. Usage is divided in that sense. This term is not gender specific, but it most often applied to female students.
“My roommate, the MFHD, told me that I should date more.”
PREMIE /Pree-Mee/
n. This slang term used by Zoobies means “Pre-missionary”, and is applied to young men who have not yet left on their missions. When spoken by female Zoobies, it is usually a case of not wanting to seriously date, for the obvious reason of an impending two year split for the relationship.
“I like Nathan a lot; it’s too bad he’s a Premie.”
RM
1. n. An acronym meaning “Returned Missionary”
2. n. One who is very desirable to female Zoobies, if subject is male
3. n. One who absolutely terrifies male Zoobies, if subject is female
“My roommate got engaged to an RM who was two weeks back. How’s that for making sure we’re at BYU?”
SWEET SPIRIT
n. A term applied to a female who is desirable as far as personality, spirituality, and general temperament. Usually carries a negative connotation that she is not very good looking, and is therefore considered a derogatory term.
“Jane is such a sweet spirit; it’s a shame she’s so plain.”
VT’s
n. The Zoobie acronym for Visiting Teachers, which are the Relief Society version of Home Teachers. However, there are some slight differences. VT’s only visit other women, as opposed to HT’s who must teach both male and female ward members. Also, the time of visiting varies from HT’s, usually in the sense that they arrive several weeks earlier every month. They also tend to bring treats, rather than expecting to be fed treats.
“Tara, the VT’s are coming next Thursday. Are you free then?”
WARD MENU
n. The slang term for the ward directory that is passed out to all members of a BYU student ward, which contains photographs and contact information for each individual member. The reason it is often referred to as “the Ward Menu” by Zoobies is that inter-ward dating is a favorite pastime of the average Zoobie, and this directory makes it much easier to get in contact with prospective dates.
“Have you seen the Ward Menu yet? Check out apartment 275, they’re like their own Meat Market.”
YELL LEADERS
n. This is the official name of BYU’s cheerleading squad. They are absolutely not to be confused with the Cougarettes for any reason. Some important differences: the Yell Leaders are formed of both male and female students, and they perform cheers on the sidelines rather than choreographed dance routines. Also, they are a bit more athletic as a general rule.
“Did you hear that Aaron quit the football team to become a Yell Leader? No one saw that coming!”
INTRODUCTION:
What is a Zoobie?
A “Zoobie”, regardless of recent marketing, is NOT a fuzzy, bean-filled child’s toy in the shape of a jungle creature. (If you’re wondering how I even arrived at this conflicting definition, please see zoobies.com.) While this seems to be a valid definition, based on recent copyright actions, the definition of a “Zoobie” that this *usage dictionary chooses to focus on is the following:
ZOOBIE /Zooh-bee/
1. A term used in Utah, mainly Utah Valley, to describe the excited bunch of Mormons that go to BYU and engage in excessive social activities. It's very common usage here.
2. A group of people characterized by their fondness of acronyms relating to LDS and BYU subjects
3. A highly intense example of what happens when you combine spirituality, excessive amounts of study, and no mood-altering substances whatsoever
“I was awoken [sic] late at night with chanting by who [sic] could only be the Zoobies, exclaiming in chorus that they were to, ‘Paint the Y! Let's Paint the Y!’”
(Urbandictionary.com)
*The term “usage dictionary” is here used loosely and in the very informal sense. This guide is not to be considered all-inclusive, or even totally correct. Definitions are subject to ameliorate, pejorate, or undergo slight semantic shift based on listener inference.
ZOOBIE DEFINITIONS AND TERMS, BY CATEGORY:
SOCIAL INTERACTIONS
BREAK-THE-FAST
n. A popular, occasionally BYU-sanctioned singles ward activity that is geared toward bringing ward members together into the same area with the goal of fostering relationships and greater understanding between genders. The event usually includes a lunch or dinner-like meal, and can either be provided by the ward leadership or a committee, or it can be “potluck style” (i.e. bring your own macaroni and cheese or spaghetti and don’t forget to take your pot back home) This is the formal, official term for this activity, but there are several other informal slang terms for this event. (See “Munch n’ Mingle”, “Graze n’ Gaze”, “Linger Longer”, etc.)
“Hey Dave, don’t forget it’s Fast Sunday, so we’ve got Break-the-Fast.”
DTR /Dee-Tee-Ahr/
n. An acronym that loosely stands for “Define the Relationship”, but has grown to include several other variants of the noun form, such as:
1. A discussion between two parties that can be held at any phase in a romantic relationship, usually referring to relationship status
“Shaun and I had a DTR last night.”
2. A discussion that is launched by one of the parties in a “couple”, meant to solidify the status of a dating relationship through forcing the other party to talk about it openly
“Jennifer, I think it’s time we had a DTR.”
3. An attempt to make a dating relationship exclusive, generally thought to be initiated by the female in a BYU dating relationship, often feared by co-ed men in general
“Beth tried to make me have a DTR with her last night!”
v. The verb form of DTR, basically meaning the same thing but informally used to denote subject/object relationship in the DTR discussion
“Man, I can’t believe you totally DTR’d me!”
Or “I am not going to DTR with you, Kevin!”
FWB /Fwub/
n. An acronym for the term “Friends with Benefits,” can be applied to a NCMO partner by their non-significant other. Usually only used in a very, very informal setting (i.e. one roommate to another, when the subject of this term is definitely out of hearing distance)
“Jim, your FWB is on the phone!”
GRAZE N’GAZE
n. An informal slang term used for the auxiliary social event in a singles ward. While less commonly used, this term strongly implies a motive for social connections, with an added incentive of some food.
“Steve, you know why I don’t like the Graze n’ Gaze. It’s a total meat market!”
LINGER LONGER
n. Yet another term for the auxiliary ward social, this term can be anything from the typical after-church fast-breaking activity, to the light snacks offered after RS/EQ. Usually this event is meant to entice ward members into staying a bit longer and talking a bit more than is absolutely necessary, as opposed to the “instant flight” that usually occurs directly after meetings.
“We don’t have time to stay for the Linger Longer, we have to go make dinner for the Home Teachers!”
MUNCH N’MINGLE
n. Another term for a Break-the-Fast activity (or a similar event where food is present as an incentive to socialize during an auxiliary ward function). The implied semantic connotation present in this phrase is that socialization is a secondary objective to the feast portion of the activity.
“Where did you meet your new boyfriend again?”
“At the 167th Ward’s Munch n’ Mingle last week.”
NCMO /Nic-Moh/
n. An acronym that commonly stands for “Non-Committal Make Out”, used by co-eds to describe an encounter where a male and a female meet at a predetermined time and place to “hook up” or kiss, but no other relationship status is pending or implied. This term is very informal and usually only spoken in casual settings. Also, the practice is generally frowned upon.
“Yeah, that time didn’t mean anything though, it was just a NCMO.”
v. The verb usage of this particular acronym is a variation of the noun form, a derivation which literally means “to non-committally make out”. Only used in very informal settings and rarely as a propositional phrase, unless the speaker is completely unaware of social connotation or has little or no scruples.
“So…you wanna NCMO?”
TUNNELING
v. The shortened, slang form of “Tunnel Singing”, a popular nighttime activity for BYU students. Almost always takes place in the large overpass area near the Marriott Events Center, and the majority of attendees are either freshmen or live in on-campus housing. Common themes of a tunneling event include several a capella hymns sung by flashlight and blanket toting students, announcements of mission calls from Premies, and assessment of potential future dates.
“Lance, are you coming tunneling with us later?”
WARD FLIRT
n. Another term for Ward Prayer; this carries a connotation of skepticism for the event, based on a perceived underlying purpose: obviously, to get ward members to date each other.
“Jake, don’t think I didn’t notice you checking me out at Ward Flirt.”
WARD PRAYER
n. A popular, BYU-sanctioned activity where student single’s ward members gather after regular meetings, usually in the evening on Sundays. The activity usually includes an opening prayer and hymn, introductions of some kind, a short message, and a closing prayer and hymn. Refreshments are optional, as is attendance. Incentives range from the vague promise of cookies, to the cute girl in building C.
“Hey Kristin, come on! We’re gonna be late for Ward Prayer!”
EVENTS
DEVO /Dee-voh/
n. The shortened, commonly used term for Devotional (sometimes called a forum); this is held on campus every Tuesday at eleven am in the Marriott Center during fall and winter semesters, and in the JSB auditorium during spring and summer terms. Common activities included in a campus “Devo” are opening prayers, group hymns, musical numbers by the Men’s or Women’s Choruses, introductions by President Samuelson, and addresses from various keynote speakers. General authorities usually visit at least once a year to speak at a Devo, during which time attendance usually triples or at least doubles.
“Do you know who’s speaking at Devo next week?”
“Yeah, it’s Eyring, man. I’m totally there!”
HOLY WAR
n. The annual football game where BYU plays its arch-rival team, University of Utah. Marked for its intense advertising campaign, its catchy red v. blue color scheme, and its ability to exponentially increase the amount of team spirit at BYU in a single week; unfortunately, spirit generally returns to normal directly after the game. The term, while informal in its origins, has actually spread across the United States and is occasionally used by sports announcers, national publications, and even general authorities when discussing the occasion.
“This year’s Holy War is shaping up to be more brutal than ever!”
PREFERENCE /Pre-frence/
n. A seasonal dance held at BYU; the main thing that categorizes this activity is that it defies, or bends, tradition in the most general sense. For, rather than the men asking the women to attend, the girls are supposed to invite the guys. It is therefore called “preference”; as rumor has it, this is because for once, the girls actually get to choose their dates instead of simply going with whoever asks them first.
“Hey Jess, do you have a date for Preference yet?”
CAMPUS LOGISTICS
ASB, the
n. The acronym more commonly used for the Abraham O. Smoot Administration building, which is also sometimes referred to as the “Smoot”; most likely because Smoot is a very fun word to say. This building houses many facilities that are necessary for a BYU student’s registration needs, as well as the Purchasing and Travel office, BYU Payroll, BYU Info… and is also rumored to hold what amounts to BYU’s version of the CIA. However, those who have attempted to find proof of this organization’s existence have never been heard from again, so it’s possible we may never know.
“Hey Bill, I’ll be right over; I’m just passing the ASB.”
BRIMHALL, the /Brimm-hall/
n. As it is for many print journalism majors and other classifications of communications majors, the George H. Brimhall building, or the “Brimhall”, is commonly referred to as a journalism student’s “home away from hostel”, “that really ugly building over there,” the center for the Daily Universe, and a really good place to find cute girls who are never too busy studying to go out.
“Derek, where did you meet Kathy again? She is SO cute!”
“One word, dude: Brimhall.”
CLIFFS OF INSANITY
n. The informal, niche slang term for the stairs that climb the west side of campus, from the RB or the SFH up to the newly completed JFSB. These stairs are several flights long and climb the hill at an approximate seventy-five degree angle, and are notorious for causing extreme shortness of breath in overfed freshmen and under-active upperclassmen.
The term itself was stolen from the popular 1987 Zoobie favorite, the Princess Bride. Stealing quotes from this movie and applying them to life in Provo is a favorite Zoobie pastime, in addition to reusing quotes from Napoleon Dynamite, Zoolander, and Nacho Libre.
“Hey man, let’s wait until it’s dark and sled down the Cliffs of Insanity!”
CLYDE, the
n. An abbreviation that stands for the W.W. Clyde Engineering Building, which is home to about fifty-six percent of the eligible male population on campus. For this reason, you will often see younger female students who have no classes in this building nonchalantly “hanging out” in the first floor common areas. The unfortunate side of this strategy is that the husband-searching hopefuls often do not realize that eighty percent of the target population in this building is married, and the other twenty percent have absolutely no intention of conversing with the opposite gender. Ever (IF).
“Oh my gosh Lily, let’s go buzz the Clyde and like, see if there are any cute guys!”
CRABTREE, the
n. An abbreviation of the unlikely-named Roland A. Crabtree Technology Building; the Crabtree is where one can find a solution for any known computer problem or technical issue; provided that they can learn to speak “tech” well enough to communicate with the natives.
“Janell, I can tell you’ve been in the Crabtree all day, because you’ve got a certain haze about you. Remember, complete sentences are good sentences.”
FRESHMAN HILL
n. This is the local slang term used mainly by anyone who has ever lived in on campus housing (specifically, Helaman Halls), or someone who spends a lot of time on the western portion of BYU campus. It refers to the sloping path that leads to and from Helaman Halls and the Tanner Building (TNRB), and is the site of many occurrences of freshmen hazing, and an equal or greater number of proposals.
“Why do they call it ‘Freshman Hill’? It’s not even a hill.”
“Dunno…Because ‘the Cliffs of Insanity’ was already taken?”
HAROLD
n. The affectionate, though less commonly used abbreviation for the HBLL, or Harold B. Lee Library. Usually spoken by those who spend so much time there that to them, the library itself has become a sentient life form.
“Hey Rosie, let’s hang out tonight.”
“Thanks, but I can’t. I’ve got a date with Harold.”
HBLL, the
n. A common acronym for the Harold B. Lee Library. Located at the virtual center of BYU campus, this structure is more like home to a majority of Zoobies than their actual homes.
“Do you want to meet at the HBLL? I’ll be in Periodicals.”
HFAC, the /Aych-Fack/
n. The official acronym for the Franklin S. Harris Fine Arts Center (without the Franklin S., it’s HFAC; with the Franklin S. it would’ve been the FSHFAC, which is too hard to pronounce and remember, apparently). The purpose of this building is ninety percent musical, and about ten percent educational. While there are a few classrooms designed for lecture-style teaching, the bulk of the rooms are soundproofed and filled with resonant banging or the strains of a novice musician’s latest masterpiece. The HFAC is also home to the Dejong Concert Hall (pronounced Dee-yong) and several musical theater productions a year.
“Do you know what time Hamlet starts?”
“No, but I’ll bet someone in the HFAC would be able to tell you.”
IPF, the
n. This acronym stands for the Indoor Practice Facility, which is a relatively new addition to BYU campus. Within the large, rectangular structure is a full-sized practice football field, or two side-by-side soccer practice fields. The IPF has proven quite useful for year round training in the likely event of inclement weather, as Utah is quite prone to having. Also, the IPF has made it possible to have certain specialized sports and physical education classes during the winter semester.
“I have Martial Arts class over at the IPF, but then I’m free for the afternoon.”
J-DAWGS
n. The Lord’s answer to the humble prayers of those who drink caffeine on a fairly regular basis; this small entrepreneurial hot dog stand can be found at the southeast corner of campus. In addition to selling actual Pepsi products, the stand also offers gigantic hot dogs for a reasonable price. In short, J-Dawgs is a Zoobie dream come true.
“I’ve got fifteen minutes before class starts. J-Dawgs, anyone?”
JFSB, the
n. JFSB is an acronym for the Joseph Fielding Smith Building, one of the newest (and best—inserts shameless flattery) buildings on campus. The JFSB is home to the colleges of language, some humanities, and philosophy. So, if you want to declare an English language minor (or Elang), this is the building you would want to visit.
“Why does my cell phone never work down here? It’s like the JFSB basement has vortex capabilities or something!”
JKHB – JKB, the
n. What was once called the Jesse Knight Humanities Building (or the JKHB) has now been shortened to simply the “JKB”, or Jesse Knight Building. Sources say this is a result of the completion of the newer, larger JFSB, which has taken over most of the humanities departments. One can still attend language classes in this building, and it also holds a pretty good monopoly on the elementary education major, as far as location of classes.
“Where in the world is the JKHB? I can’t find it on the map!”
“Oh, you mean the JKB? It’s right by the ASB; you have an old map.”
JSB, the
n. This acronym stands for the school’s center of religious instruction; a building named the Joseph Smith Building after the first LDS prophet and founder of Mormonism. The building is mostly used for classes having to do with religion, but will also occasionally host other events on the weekends, such as Divine Comedy shows or really old black and white movies. The much hated Bio 100 “mass class” also meets here, and is a very lovely time and place for a nap.
“Shh, be quiet! Don’t you know you’re in the JSB?”
“Yeah, what’s with that? It’s like church in here.”
KMB, the
n. Acronym (the Zoobies LOVE the acronym, in case you haven’t noticed) for the Knight Magnum Building; the sometimes Bond-reminiscent named structure houses a practice facility for auxiliary performance clubs like “Living Legends” and “Young Ambassadors”. Also, if you ever walk by the KMB and hear tap dancing and a few bars from Hello Dolly, keep walking. It’s completely normal (IF).
“I wish the KMB weren’t so close to J-Dawgs. I can’t stop humming ‘Zippety Doo Dah’ while I’m standing in line, and it’s embarrassing.”
MARB, the
n. Most popular acronym for the Thomas L. Martin Building. I’m not really sure what goes on in this building, aside from several BYU student wards’ Sunday meetings.
“Where do you have to go now?”
“I’ve got class in the MARB at three.”
MTC /Em-Tee-See/
n. The shortened, acronym version of the LDS Missionary Training Center. Though not actually located on BYU campus, the MTC is referenced so often by Zoobies that it might as well be. (Though, to be sure, the inevitable mixing of lifestyles that would ensue could cause a few culture clashes.) Life in the MTC, while not too far off from life in the dorms, is surprisingly a lot more regimented than life on BYU campus; believe it or not.
“I walked by the MTC again today; I was hoping I could catch a glimpse of my future RM boyfriend.”
RB, the
n. The acronym that occasionally takes the place of the fully named Stephen L. Richards Building, also often called the “Richards Building”. The only reasons for going into this particular structure would be to attend dance classes or P.E. classes, to participate in BYU intramurals, to go to HEPE 129 (which is the 3rd most hated class on BYU campus), to utilize the free gym, or to pick up on dance class girls.
“Where is your volleyball game tonight?”
“Naturally, it’s in the RB.”
Smith Fieldhouse (SFH), the
n. For some reason, Zoobies tend to shy away from using the provided acronym for this building (SFH). This might be for a number of reasons: it might take too much breath to say, the letters might be easily confused, or perhaps because the bulk of the students who use this building are consecrated sports junkies, it sounds too much like a college football team that they hate or something. For whatever reason, the George Albert Smith Fieldhouse is most commonly called “the Smith Fieldhouse.”
“It’s too cold to run outside, I’m going over to the Smith Fieldhouse to do laps on the indoor track.”
SMOOT, the
n. Another slang term for the ASB. Once again, because it is very fun to say.
“I need to go take this add/drop card to the Smoot.”
STAIRS OF DEATH
n. A secondary term that is often applied by students to the ridiculously long flights of stairs that can be found on the west and south ends of campus. Sometimes as many as 80-90 steps in height, they are very hard to climb when one is out of shape and are of a very terrifying gradient. See also “the Cliffs of Insanity.”
“Ah man, I left my Chemistry 100 book in the RB. Now I have to climb the Stairs of Death again!”
SWKT, the /Swick-it/
n. Definitely in the top five most fun building acronyms to say; the Spencer W. Kimball Tower is also among the tallest buildings on campus (if you’re not counting the smoke stack thing with a huge Y on it, which students rarely do). This square, thirteen-story building is home to the College of Nursing, the American Heritage lab, and nobody really cares what else.
“Has anyone ever been to the top of the SWKT? Gosh, I would love to bungee off of there.”
THE BOARD
1. n. The first Zoobie definition of “the Board” (note that it is never “board, the”, but always “the Board.) is the infamous, nefarious, or simply famous (depending on who you are) 100 Hour Board. “The Board is a BYU online forum of volunteer students who answer any question they are asked within 100 hours. It is also a place where diverse personalities can interact in a forum relatively free of a social judgments, a place where sensitive and personal questions can be addressed anonymously and given doctrinally-centered answers by a group of caring peers, and a place to learn the history of the billboard, how many pages a Word document will hold, and how to get a locker in the RB locker room. It's funny, friendly, and fascinating.” (Quote taken from http://theboard.byu.edu/)
“How many floors are in the SWKT?”
“I don’t know, ask the Board.”
2. n. The other definition most commonly attached to “the Board” is the large bulletin board located in the basement level of the Wilk, or WSC. This board contains 3 x 5 cards posted by Zoobies hoping to buy or sell anything from wedding dresses (used or unused) to winter housing contracts.
“Did you check the Board to see if there were any openings for fall semester? I really want to live off-campus.”
THE Y /Thu-Wye/
n. Built in 1906, “the Y” is a large, painted cement capital letter branded on the hillside above BYU. It was originally intended to spell out “BYU” and would cover several acres of land, but instead was left as simply “Y” and thereafter the university itself is sometimes referred to as such, as an even shorter form of BYU. When Zoobies use this term, it is usually in reference to the one on the mountain, as the use of “the Y” to describe the school is considered an outsider tradition. (LDS non-Utah residents with friends/family at BYU will often use this term to describe the school, but the rule is similar to that of the term “SoCal”, which is only used by people who do not live there, or as a tongue-in-cheek self-depreciation by those who do.)
“Let’s go hike the Y!”
WILK, the (WSC)
n. The Earnest L. Wilkinson Student Center (which is the social hub of BYU campus if you’re a Zoobie) is never referred to by its entire name, except in very formal settings such as this one. Everywhere else, you will either hear it referred to as “the Wilk”, or the “WSC” if someone is looking down at a map of campus.
“Do you want to meet in the Wilk for lunch again today?”
MISCELLANIOUS ZOOBIE TERMS
BELMONT GIRL /Bell-mohnt Gurl/
n. This term refers to a female BYU student who may or may not actually live in the Belmont complex that is located in the ritzy area east of campus. The name did, in fact, derive from the well-spread reputations of girls who actually lived there; now it can be used by a Zoobie to describe any girl who seems to be living on a large budget that is not her own, drives an expensive car that she did not buy for herself, and seeks a husband who can continue to support her current lifestyle. Supposed earmarks of a Belmont Girl are: huge sunglasses, clothing in the absolute latest fashions, and excessively tan skin out of season.
“Yeah, Susan is cute. But she’s kind of a Belmont Girl.”
BUTTERFACE /Buht-her-face/
n. This term applies to a female “specimen” who is attractive from the neck down. The term is very informal, and usually only voiced by the immature, male Zoobie. It derives from the phrase, “Yeah, she has a good body, but her face…” Hence, the “but her face” shifts to “Butterface.” It is not a flattering or nice term, and is sure to be viewed as an insult by most listeners.
“I’m embarrassed to say that I learned about the term ‘Butterface’ from my father-in-law.”
CECIL /See-sill/
n. This is the first name of BYU president, Cecil O. Samuelson. It was popularized as a label with the advent of the phrase “Cecil is my homeboy” in 2005, which spurred irreverent Zoobies to begin calling the eminent educational leader by his rather hilarious first name, instead of President Samuelson, as his position deserves.
“I heard Cecil is going to speak in our ward next week.”
“Cool!”
CHASTITY LINE
n. “Chastity Line” is the slang term used by Zoobies to denote the invisible line in a male or female’s student apartment where the common areas end and the living areas begin. In most apartments, it is the line between the kitchen or living room and the hallway leading to bedrooms and restrooms. This line is generally feared by Zoobies because crossing it would break the Honor Code.
“Dude, make sure your UVSC girl doesn’t cross the Chastity Line; she doesn’t know any better.”
CIVILITY DICTATE, or DICTATE CIVILITY
v. This term, taken directly from the BYU Honor Code, has been re-formed into a slang verb phrase that means “to use the restroom.” This is because in the Honor Code, it is illegal to cross the “Chastity Line” in an apartment of the opposite gender, even to use the restroom; except in extreme cases of emergency or “when civility dictates.”
“Hey Laura, if you don’t mind I’m going to ‘dictate civility’ before we go.”
Or, “Don’t ‘civility dictate,’ John, when you can just as easily go across the hall.”
COSMO
n. Since October 15, 1953, Cosmo the Cougar has been known as the official mascot of BYU. He can be seen at almost any sports event, doing things like hand stands and t-shirt shooting for the crowds of BYU fans. Though it is not widely known, Cosmo is actually powered by at least three different anonymous male students (who are undoubtedly Zoobies to the core) per year. One of the main characteristics of Cosmo, besides his BYU jersey and fuzzy face, is that he is never allowed to speak; he only communicates through elaborate sports pantomimes.
“Hey, did you see Cosmo on BYU TV last week? That story was hilarious.”
COUGARETTES
n. The Cougarettes are the other, more feminine mascots of BYU. Unofficially (IF). Comprised of about twenty talented female dancers, the Cougarettes dance team performs at major sports events and competes on a national level. This group is not to be confused with the BYU Cheerleaders, which are an entirely different organization. For a male Zoobie, making this mistake could result in a member of the Cougarettes becoming offended and refusing to date the erroneous party.
“Did you see Mark’s new girlfriend? She’s a Cougarette.”
“Right on! Go, Mark!”
CTR /See-Tee-Ahr/
v. Another one of the beloved acronyms, CTR is not only used by Zoobies, but by members of the LDS church all over the world. It stands for “Choose the Right”, and is a central motto of Mormons, BYU students, and Zoobies alike.
“Have you seen my ‘CTR’ ring?”
EQP
n. An acronym for the “Elders Quorum President” in an LDS ward. Used mainly by Zoobies because of the frequent nature of this title’s usage in Zoobie conversation; when you repeat it enough, saying Elders Quorum president becomes redundant.
“I just got a call from my EQP. He said I need to pass the sacrament tomorrow.”
EXEC SEC
n. The shortened, rather lazy form of “Executive Secretary”, which refers to a position that is held by at least one person in every LDS ward. For some reason, this position is always held in BYU student wards by the Zoobiest of RM’s imaginable. The reason for this phenomenon is unknown.
“Will you give the exec sec a call later today and make an appointment?”
HT’s
n. An acronym (surprise!) that stands for Home Teachers, a position that nearly every priesthood holder in an LDS ward holds. Their job is to visit a certain, assigned group of people (both male and female) each month, and report back to the EQP on the well-being of ward members. These visits almost always occur within the last one to five days of any given month. Zoobies shorten this title for convenience, and due to their obvious obsession with acronyms.
“Hey Lori, get out of the shower, the HT’s are here!”
MEAT MARKET
n. This term is a self-depreciating phrase applied to anything from ward Break-the-Fast, to the MFHD major. Basically, the usage of this term implies that the speaker senses an underlying goal to “pair off” participants of said activity or group and re-package them into an eternal couple. This term is not necessarily always used in a negative way, but also can take the form of good natured ribbing.
“Wow, look at all of the RM’s; it’s a total Meat Market in here.”
MFHD /Em-Eff-Aych-Dee/
n. Among the most notorious majors at BYU is the Marriage and Family Human Development major. This acronym is applied to many students in a very official sense, but can also be directed at someone who isn’t actually in the major but seems to be looking for marriage first and graduation later. Usage is divided in that sense. This term is not gender specific, but it most often applied to female students.
“My roommate, the MFHD, told me that I should date more.”
PREMIE /Pree-Mee/
n. This slang term used by Zoobies means “Pre-missionary”, and is applied to young men who have not yet left on their missions. When spoken by female Zoobies, it is usually a case of not wanting to seriously date, for the obvious reason of an impending two year split for the relationship.
“I like Nathan a lot; it’s too bad he’s a Premie.”
RM
1. n. An acronym meaning “Returned Missionary”
2. n. One who is very desirable to female Zoobies, if subject is male
3. n. One who absolutely terrifies male Zoobies, if subject is female
“My roommate got engaged to an RM who was two weeks back. How’s that for making sure we’re at BYU?”
SWEET SPIRIT
n. A term applied to a female who is desirable as far as personality, spirituality, and general temperament. Usually carries a negative connotation that she is not very good looking, and is therefore considered a derogatory term.
“Jane is such a sweet spirit; it’s a shame she’s so plain.”
VT’s
n. The Zoobie acronym for Visiting Teachers, which are the Relief Society version of Home Teachers. However, there are some slight differences. VT’s only visit other women, as opposed to HT’s who must teach both male and female ward members. Also, the time of visiting varies from HT’s, usually in the sense that they arrive several weeks earlier every month. They also tend to bring treats, rather than expecting to be fed treats.
“Tara, the VT’s are coming next Thursday. Are you free then?”
WARD MENU
n. The slang term for the ward directory that is passed out to all members of a BYU student ward, which contains photographs and contact information for each individual member. The reason it is often referred to as “the Ward Menu” by Zoobies is that inter-ward dating is a favorite pastime of the average Zoobie, and this directory makes it much easier to get in contact with prospective dates.
“Have you seen the Ward Menu yet? Check out apartment 275, they’re like their own Meat Market.”
YELL LEADERS
n. This is the official name of BYU’s cheerleading squad. They are absolutely not to be confused with the Cougarettes for any reason. Some important differences: the Yell Leaders are formed of both male and female students, and they perform cheers on the sidelines rather than choreographed dance routines. Also, they are a bit more athletic as a general rule.
“Did you hear that Aaron quit the football team to become a Yell Leader? No one saw that coming!”
Monday, February 01, 2010
A Little Schizo...
Okay, so I'm not sure why I'm this way but I can't seem to pick one blog and faithfully maintain it. As a result, I'm stuck jumping around from blog to blog and sporadically posting whenever the mood strikes me. It's like I'm trying to be the Jason Bourne of blogging or something.
Until I figure out which of these characters I truly am, here are a couple of blogs you can feel free to search me out at if you're feeling particularly curious. (I doubt you will, I'm just saying...)
http://killercheesepuff.blogspot.com/ (The Oldest Blog)
http://yulebetterbelieveitsucks.blogspot.com/ (The Holiday Blog)
http://vandersun.wordpress.com/ (The "Serious" Blog)
http://thedoorstepscene.blogspot.com/ (The Dating Blog)
http://cantstaybabyitscoldoutside.blogspot.com/ (Blog from when I lived in Vail)
http://specialedsurfing.blogspot.com/ (Blog from when I lived in Hawaii)
...And I THINK that's it. Holy CRAP, I think I might actually be a little schizophrenic with paranoid delusions of grandeur. And/Or I just kept forgetting the address of my blog every time I lapsed, so I kept making new ones every time. Yeah...I think that's probably it.
Anyway, if there's anyone (anyone at all) who knows how to combine blogs and still keep the original date/time stamp--with minimal effort, if you please--I implore you to acquaint me with this process!
Once again, thank you for your continued patience. I love you all!
Until I figure out which of these characters I truly am, here are a couple of blogs you can feel free to search me out at if you're feeling particularly curious. (I doubt you will, I'm just saying...)
http://killercheesepuff.blogspot.com/ (The Oldest Blog)
http://yulebetterbelieveitsucks.blogspot.com/ (The Holiday Blog)
http://vandersun.wordpress.com/ (The "Serious" Blog)
http://thedoorstepscene.blogspot.com/ (The Dating Blog)
http://cantstaybabyitscoldoutside.blogspot.com/ (Blog from when I lived in Vail)
http://specialedsurfing.blogspot.com/ (Blog from when I lived in Hawaii)
...And I THINK that's it. Holy CRAP, I think I might actually be a little schizophrenic with paranoid delusions of grandeur. And/Or I just kept forgetting the address of my blog every time I lapsed, so I kept making new ones every time. Yeah...I think that's probably it.
Anyway, if there's anyone (anyone at all) who knows how to combine blogs and still keep the original date/time stamp--with minimal effort, if you please--I implore you to acquaint me with this process!
Once again, thank you for your continued patience. I love you all!
Saturday, December 12, 2009
BLOCKED!
Omfg I am blocked I am blocked I am blocked blocked blocked blocked.
Aaaaaaaaauuuugh.
Ever had a story inside your head that is so wonderful, so magical, so heartbreakingly genius that it's practically splitting you in two?
Ever had a character who's so real and so conflicted that you find yourself talking to that person and arguing over whether or not they're going to let you tell their story? And in the end, you have to agree upon a truce to share your head with them so they don't try to possess you and take over your life?
Or, have you ever gotten to a fork in the road (metaphorical, of course) that has about twenty different directions you can go...and none of them "feel" just right?
That's pretty much where I'm at. My story is gumming up the gears, my characters have all gone on strike and the little writer in my mind is sitting down in the middle of the road and sobbing into her hands in bereft self-doubt.
These are the life and times, people.
This is what it's like to write a novel.
...I sincerely hope we both (my story and I) survive to tell the tale.
Aaaaaaaaauuuugh.
Ever had a story inside your head that is so wonderful, so magical, so heartbreakingly genius that it's practically splitting you in two?
Ever had a character who's so real and so conflicted that you find yourself talking to that person and arguing over whether or not they're going to let you tell their story? And in the end, you have to agree upon a truce to share your head with them so they don't try to possess you and take over your life?
Or, have you ever gotten to a fork in the road (metaphorical, of course) that has about twenty different directions you can go...and none of them "feel" just right?
That's pretty much where I'm at. My story is gumming up the gears, my characters have all gone on strike and the little writer in my mind is sitting down in the middle of the road and sobbing into her hands in bereft self-doubt.
These are the life and times, people.
This is what it's like to write a novel.
...I sincerely hope we both (my story and I) survive to tell the tale.
Sunday, December 06, 2009
Things.
Okay, so I've concluded (based on past advice from my longtime writing idol and bosom facebook friend, Suz B., as well as some thoughts of my own rendering) that I need to start blogging again as often as possible.
This is for two reasons: One, as a daily warm up to keep my fingers limber for the task at hand--as though putting in countless hours each day at work typing up docs orders and diagnoses as complicated in spelling as the elusive hematochezia...which I can't help laughing at because it sounds like "toe cheese"...but in actuality it's a very serious ailment and not funny at all. Heh--and...where was I?
Oh yes. Point number two, which was that if I don't keep blogging and something terrible--such as hematochezia, or something not nearly as hilarious sounding but equally dire--were to happen to me, the world might pass on never knowing the inner workings of my fabulous mind.
So here it is, today's quintessential blog, (never really grasped the semantics of that word fully, but love using it because it just sounds so important. Almost like it's the perfect embodiment of all words meaning "totally awesome".) in which I will unburden myself from a few things I've been meaning to get off my metaphorical chest:
1. I know this isn't really shocking, but I'm obsessed with really stupid made for TV movies. Especially ones that appear on the Scifi channel, like the Ginger Snaps series. Horrible acting? Yes. Can I stop watching? I'll try...
2. I've always been secretly envious of people who can crank out a masterpiece and manage to surprise everybody. I'm not talking about those famous serial killers, who once they've been revealed all their friends and neighbors are like, "Oh my gosh, but he seemed so... nice. So harmless!" Then again, maybe I am. Because one day, I'd like to write a book that gets made into a movie or heck, even a TV show, and I'll be shooting the bull on Craig Ferguson and all my friends and former classmates back home will be all, "Wow, is that the weird girl from eighth grade biology? Never thought she'd ever amount to anything spectacular."
3. For the past several Years, I've had a secret crush on Neal McDonough. I don't know if it's the cool, collected exterior...or the Lemon Head charm... whatever it is. He's hot. And I would totally go see a romantic comedy starring him, providing there are also guns and stuff in it.
4. My former professor sent me an e-mail yesterday asking when I was going to turn in my internship paperwork, and I had a tiny, momentary nervous breakdown. Because I graduated like, six months ago. It was exactly like one of those dreams you have where you're back in high school and it's graduation...and they tell you that you have to take high school all over again, even though you're now twenty five and married. But this one was worse, because I wasn't entirely certain she was kidding.
5. I have like thirty followers on Twitter, even though I've only posted stuff on there like, twice. Instead of being flattered by this, I'm really a bit creeped out. In fact, it's recently become a habit to look both ways before I get into the car.
6. My life really isn't that interesting. But you probably already knew that.
7. Sometimes, I have no idea what day it is. Yesterday this woman came into the hospital and she was like, "Oh, I was here on June 10th, dearie. So you can find my records, right?" And I said, "Sure, no problem. Those don't drop out of the server until they're like a month old." She looked at me like I was sassing her, but I honestly wasn't being sarcastic. I just happen to live in a black hole where time and space have little or no meaning.
Anyway, that's about all I can come up with at the moment. These posts will get better as I practice more. I can almost promise.
This is for two reasons: One, as a daily warm up to keep my fingers limber for the task at hand--as though putting in countless hours each day at work typing up docs orders and diagnoses as complicated in spelling as the elusive hematochezia...which I can't help laughing at because it sounds like "toe cheese"...but in actuality it's a very serious ailment and not funny at all. Heh--and...where was I?
Oh yes. Point number two, which was that if I don't keep blogging and something terrible--such as hematochezia, or something not nearly as hilarious sounding but equally dire--were to happen to me, the world might pass on never knowing the inner workings of my fabulous mind.
So here it is, today's quintessential blog, (never really grasped the semantics of that word fully, but love using it because it just sounds so important. Almost like it's the perfect embodiment of all words meaning "totally awesome".) in which I will unburden myself from a few things I've been meaning to get off my metaphorical chest:
1. I know this isn't really shocking, but I'm obsessed with really stupid made for TV movies. Especially ones that appear on the Scifi channel, like the Ginger Snaps series. Horrible acting? Yes. Can I stop watching? I'll try...
2. I've always been secretly envious of people who can crank out a masterpiece and manage to surprise everybody. I'm not talking about those famous serial killers, who once they've been revealed all their friends and neighbors are like, "Oh my gosh, but he seemed so... nice. So harmless!" Then again, maybe I am. Because one day, I'd like to write a book that gets made into a movie or heck, even a TV show, and I'll be shooting the bull on Craig Ferguson and all my friends and former classmates back home will be all, "Wow, is that the weird girl from eighth grade biology? Never thought she'd ever amount to anything spectacular."
3. For the past several Years, I've had a secret crush on Neal McDonough. I don't know if it's the cool, collected exterior...or the Lemon Head charm... whatever it is. He's hot. And I would totally go see a romantic comedy starring him, providing there are also guns and stuff in it.
4. My former professor sent me an e-mail yesterday asking when I was going to turn in my internship paperwork, and I had a tiny, momentary nervous breakdown. Because I graduated like, six months ago. It was exactly like one of those dreams you have where you're back in high school and it's graduation...and they tell you that you have to take high school all over again, even though you're now twenty five and married. But this one was worse, because I wasn't entirely certain she was kidding.
5. I have like thirty followers on Twitter, even though I've only posted stuff on there like, twice. Instead of being flattered by this, I'm really a bit creeped out. In fact, it's recently become a habit to look both ways before I get into the car.
6. My life really isn't that interesting. But you probably already knew that.
7. Sometimes, I have no idea what day it is. Yesterday this woman came into the hospital and she was like, "Oh, I was here on June 10th, dearie. So you can find my records, right?" And I said, "Sure, no problem. Those don't drop out of the server until they're like a month old." She looked at me like I was sassing her, but I honestly wasn't being sarcastic. I just happen to live in a black hole where time and space have little or no meaning.
Anyway, that's about all I can come up with at the moment. These posts will get better as I practice more. I can almost promise.
Friday, December 04, 2009
Comin Out!
I'm writing this with my iPod, so I'll be brief. In fact, if I'm really lucky by the time I've finished writing this I'll be ninety.
Anyway, it's time I came clean about why I suck at updating. You see, dear friends... I'm writing a book.
There. I've said it. Feel free to mock me with impunity.
Oh, and one last thing: Stephanie Mayer can suck it. That is all.
Anyway, it's time I came clean about why I suck at updating. You see, dear friends... I'm writing a book.
There. I've said it. Feel free to mock me with impunity.
Oh, and one last thing: Stephanie Mayer can suck it. That is all.
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