Portugese, Pork, and Making Television

I'm moving on.

No more volcanoes, tears, knickers or guilt. No more ambiguous text messages and trips to Salt Lake where I'm not sure what I am, or who I am with. No more feelings of insecurity brought on by thinking I am not worthy of something I don't even know if I want, or know what I would do with if I had it. No more wondering, and no more overthinking things.

Today, I am starting anew. I am putting behind me all of those things that make me doubt myself. All of those things that have been making me lose sleep or lose focus. I'm throwing myself into a new occupation, and not because I am trying to get something else out of my head, but because I want something new in it. A whole lot of somethings.

I've realized a few things about myself and my head over the last couple of weeks, and one of the most important of these realizations is about housekeeping. It's all very well and good to say you're going to start fresh and start doing everything a different way, but more often we find ourselves instead looking for excuses to explain why we ended up doing the same things all over again. "It's not my fault." "I can't help it. Obviously something else needs to change before I can start over." But really, it's just because in your mind, and in your life you just haven't cleared a space yet. First you have to pull the weeds before you can plant flowers. Or, you have to pull the flowers that aren't growing to make way for other flowers that will. In any case, change comes after you jump into the unknown, with a plan of course.

For me, that plan is going to include another new job. A new house. And probably, hopefully, a new social life with people who will love me for who I am and realize that even though I'm one of the busiest people they know, I still want them to call me. I still want love and I still want to be cuddled, even though I might not seem to stand in one place long enough to do so. It's time to make a change in the places I look, rather than looking for new things to come out of the same people and places I've known.

And so I'm moving on, leaving those behind me who won't or can't follow, to find what it is I'm looking for. It's time.