Somehow, I survived through years of this internal torture. I had muddled through, somehow, and I was only a semester or two of classes away from graduating. I was going to be the first woman in my family to get a college degree. I applied for graduation in the late summer, and cried tears of joy because even I honestly never thought that I would make it thus far. But a part of me whispered that even though I was close enough to spit across the graduation day platform (hypothetically), I didn’t deserve to be set free of my own personal academic purgatory. I still had to pay for my sins.
But the part of me that was desperate to prove myself, and to finally finish, said “yeah, you can do this!” That part, which was so desperate to be done feeling like I didn’t belong, like I was constantly struggling just to be average, said “just make it through this last semester, and you’ll be fine.”
Now we come to the climax of this tale: my ultimate struggle to graduate, to conquer my inner bad student, and to escape with my life.
I can't even tell you how tempted I am to stop trying, to embrace my strengths and just be happy with what I have. To go on working, and just let the skills I’ve learned be enough proof of my capabilities. I can't tell you how often, even now being so close, I have to stop myself from thinking that I'll never be able to finish, that I’m just not college material.
At this point, even with so much on the line, I'm past trying to succeed. I'm just trying to survive. I can beg for understanding, but it will be for a lifetime of academic transgressions. I have become a chronic academic underachiever, in danger of failing the final test of life.
But I've been in danger of failing, in one way or another, for the past four-and-a-half years. I was in danger of failing before I even set foot on this campus. The feeling is terrifying, humbling and totally demoralizing, but it’s not new.
I know that I'm not what you might call a "good" student. But I have learned that I can be pragmatic, hilarious, successful, hard-working, and confident. And I know that everything happens for a reason, even though I might despair at not knowing why. So I can't say that I regret my actions during my academic career. I can't promise to become the kind of student that I'm not. Because if it hadn't been for the decisions I made, I might have been a great student. But I believe I would've also been a less fascinating person. And a MUCH suckier writer.
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4 comments:
good to see you back among the putative living. I must admit, I was tempted a time or two to remove your blog from my google reader to make room for more faithfully updated blogs.
Hey! That's unfair, because I have been posting. Just not on this particular blog. Tis NOT my fault you don't cyber stalk me.
Scary as sin. I mean I really felt like that was something I wrote, forgot about, then stumbled across. You are my kindred soul loved one. I mean that is word for word my experience, as you know. Which makes me pause to wonder if maybe you are just writing my story, in order to make yourself sound more interesting, because I myself am, interesting.
This has absolutely nothing to do with your post. (in fact I haven't even read it.) I have just been thinking lately, that I really enjoyed being roommates with you, and lately, I have had a lot of "alone" time with the hubs working and I have thought... "I kinda miss those awesome insights and conversations that we (including Janelle) would have... ya... those were the days." just thought I would let you know how I appreciated and enjoyed your friendship.
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