Friday, February 09, 2007

Stupid Girl's Guide to Ruining Love Day

Okay, so Valentine's Day is just a week away. And what do smart girls do when Valentine's Day is just a week away? If you chose take the relationship to the next level, you're wrong. If you chose get your boyfriend something nice, you are also a loser today. But, if you know me and my horrible luck with relationships, and you chose option c) they break up with their boyfriends, then you would at least be right one times out of a hundred, which works.

Honestly, what kind of an idiot breaks up a relationship right before the national celebration held in their honor, on the year when for the first time EVER they would not have had to celebrate it alone? Obviously, my kind of idiot. Why, might you ask? Well, if I knew the answer to that one, I probably wouldn't feel so stupid right about now. So, in honor of this unprecedented holiday, I give you my latest list:

The Stupid Girl/Guy's Guide to Chilling Alone on Love Day
A List of Helpful Ideas to Start & Finish the Day Off Right - And with a BANG!
1) You should probably begin by sleeping in. A lot. Possibly even miss a class or two, and/or work
2) You should NOT buy yourself or anyone else flowers, because they're just going to die, just like your hopes of ever being un-single again
3) You should not eat ANYTHING that is red, pink, white, or sprinkly. Unless Robbit and I gave it to you, in which case it is a yummy treat and you should indulge with vigor
4) Go see a movie that has a lot of killing and/or crap getting blown up
5) Avoid shopping malls, jewelry stores, fancy restaurants, and all picturesque places. Especially in Provo. Just trust me on this one.
6) Go to Wal-Mart at about 2am, and buy laundry detergent or socks (for yourself)
7) Go to Barnes and Noble. That's where all the other single freaks hang out, and you'll feel better and maybe even find a book about how to make your love life not suck so much
8) Avoid radio stations, and only listen to Albums from groups like All-American Rejects, Dashboard Confessional, and especially Fall Out Boy (all love-hating bands for the most part)
9) Call a single friend and don't mention Valentine's Day ONCE
10) Take your car to the shop
11) Find a gay friend and take them to a romantic spot so they can help you make fun of the couples
12) Find a gay friend and fake a proposal
13) Break someone up (just kidding, don't do that)
14) Go LARPing. (Those kids don't even know what a date is)
15) Watch 10 hours of AskaNinja, followed by Homestar and then what the heck burn out on YouTube
16) Get a tatoo
17) Go get your hair cut, or buy a new outfit (at Wal-mart, because you can't go to the mall)
18) Write a song about your favorite food item
19) Watch almost any movie with Sean Penn. Bound to be totally unromantic.
20) Go to the gym and make a game out of avoiding hitters on
And there's my list. This is foolproof, and if you do these things, I PROMISE you won't spend all your time being depressed about your (recent, in my case) singleness. And, as an added bonus, I'll probably do at least ten of these things, so you might bump into me and we can hang out. Rock on!

Thursday, February 08, 2007

EARL's Gotta Die...

Okay, this is for everyone who HATES auto mechanics. Namely, most women. This isn't an untrained bias, mind you, but a deep and cultured loathing that has stemmed from years of experience with these crafty emissaries of Satan. Sure, they seem rather innocuous at first glance. Heck, most of them don't even look like they know how to tie their own shoes. But the second you walk into that grubby world of post high school curricular metal shop, you're in trouble. Because in this world, it doesn't matter that they only got a 12 on their ACTs and haven't smelled soap in years. This is their world, Honey. And you don't stand a chance. Because there's only ONE king of the castle, darlin. And his name is ALWAYS Earl.

You see, I'm one of those girls who has always thought I was smarter than Earl. I've spent enough time staring at the jumble of "stuff" beneath a car's hood to actually know a few things, and I've worked hard to learn certain terminology that makes me sound as if I know what the heck I'm doing. Words that say, "Hey, you know I'm perfectly capable of doing this myself but I just don't have the time. So I'll let you do it Earl but don't even THINK about screwing me over because I'm wise to your tricks." In the past, this has served me semi-well.

But then, my starter broke. And heaven help me I don't even know where the starter is or what it looks like. Still, I've been around enough to know that telling Earl that little fact is like opening a vein in the middle of a feeding frenzy. Not gonna do it, Earl. So I do a little homework, and then I pick up my phone. But here's the thing, I was prepared for an Earl. What I DIDN'T count on was a Doug.

So, I'm talking to him, giving him the basic information of the vehicle, year-make-model, etc... crusing along thinking "Yeah, I've got this!" But you see, whereas Earl is a completely predictable species, Doug is like the LX model for brains and craftiness. He not only has the bare essentials, but a few surprises thrown in as well. So, after a few moments (during which I had effectively dropped a few crucial terms like "displaced rod" and "fly wheel"-whatever the heck that is) he just came at me point blank with, "So, is it a dual-shaft cam, or a single-shaft cam?" Whaaaaat??? Uh... "Beg pardon?" I helplessly try to pull up Google on my laptop, Oh no, oh no! No doubt smiling evilly to himself he repeats the question. I can practically hear the dollar signs "ching ching" and I know that HE knows he's got me.

What the heck is a dual-shaft cam? Are you making this up, Doug? But no, there's no help at hand. Google has failed me and so I'm forced to give in. NOOOOOO!!!
Curse you, Doug. I'll get you somehow. Someday...

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

The Curse of the Wonderphobes

My friend Skinny is what you might call an individual. He is to most onlookers, a man apart. What most people see in him as mystery and a sort of aloof charm, I have come to know as shyness and a slight agoraphobic tendancy to fear public ridicule. As a result, he stands near the wall, smiling only occasionally and cracking only as many jokes as he needs to fulfill the minimum quota of social participation. In short, he narrowly avoids freakhood but is purposely forgettable to all those who don't know him personally. That said, this man is magnificent. He's good looking, talented, funny, charming, honest, witty, and extremely intelligent. So why, (as many of you girls are probably wondering) does he fy under the radar and escape your notice? Because I believe, somehow, he knows his potential and is afraid to be who he is. Because one thing I and many other Wonderphobes have learned, is that while people might shun imperfection, those that rise above are often hated and criticized even more.

Now, let's jump to another example. Dice, I pray you won't hate me for this but I've been thinking about it for a while. I have this adorable friend who is completely perfect for the role of Goldilocks as written by Stephen Sondheim in the 1980's. She's tiny, blonde, fashionable, and owns more shoes than most people have underwear. Enough said. As such, she is plagued by certain stereotypes, which I will now hasten to explode. Some people would take one look at her and others like her and immediately remark on their fashion, looks, ability to fit into the world around them so stylishly while inspiring trends and being effortless fashionistas for others to copy, role models of pop culture, doctors of the latest trends in music, etc etc ad nauseum. And sometimes, for many of these girls it is easiest to just go along with and encourage this image, because it seems to be what they do best. But not Dice. She not only happens to be one of the cutest and most fashionable girls I know, but (don't let this shock you) she is also one of the smartest. And I don't mean to sound elitist, but I know a lot of very smart people. Unfortunately, I don't think she sees herself in the same light that I do, because just like many of us, she chooses not to aknowledge her own brilliance. As one of my favorite lecturers Marianne Williamson said,

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear in that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the World. There is nothing enlightening about shrinkingso that other people won’t feel unsure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. As we let our own Light shine,we consciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear,our presence automatically liberates others."

So, for the Wonderphobes of the world, (myself included) I say that whatever is holding us back, whether it be a fear of physical, mental, spiritual, interpersonal, or miscellanious perfection, we need to let it go. And just feel free to be Wonderful.