Abnormal Malady

My heart is pounding, my breath comes in shorts gasps. My head feels as if it's about to explode. I can't remember a time when I did not feel this way, as though memories of the light and life that used to be mine have been snuffed out, along with my ability to breathe normally. My hands shake, my voice is a scarred and unrealistic representation of itself- or maybe it's really someone else's. My neck wants to collapse with the burden of holding my pounding head erect, and I never want to leave this bed again to venture out into the cruel world that caused this terrible state.

What is wrong with me, you ask? Is it unrequited love? Anger? Jealousy? Hate?

No. It's a freaking head cold. And I swear on everything both holy and desecrated that if it moves into my chest, there won't be words for the suffering that follows. Call me dramatic, but I hate being sick more than anything else in the entire world. More than being tired, wet, cold, or drowning. Seriously, it sucks. Pity me, cause I don't know if I'm going to make it!

Treatise on School

In this, my friends, I'll be brief.



School is a bore,

And feels like a chore

Instead of before,

When I loved to explore

What was in store.

There was knowledge galore

And now, I implore

Each day is a war,

For class I ignore

I don't go anymore.

My money I pour

Don't check my test score

My head's a dull roar,

And school makes me snore

So let's go to war,

And rebel some more

"It's on!" will we roar

As we even the score,

With our once paramour

And school will be nevermore.

Stolen Philosophies

"The best way to waste your life, ... is by taking notes. The easiest way to avoid living is to just watch. Look for the details. Report. Don't participate.” - Chuck Palahniuk

I love this. It's what I'm all about lately. Don't think. Don't study things out overmuch. Don't worry what is going to happen if I choose A, or what could've happened if I chose B. Watch, and learn, and be. Reporting is what I do. I see subtle hints in the world, themes and quirks that make up life- and I express it the way I can. Living is what I have often studied, but not truly done until now. Enjoyment can be found in the simplest things. People have been saying it for centuries, and why disagree? Why not just seek instead to find those things for ourselves? I have never been an advocate of the "Life should be easy" school of thought, but I do not believe that life should be automatic. Or programmed. Like everything that is divine in man's experience, great events in life should be surprising, revolutionary, and profound. I endeavor to live an existence comprised of such moments. To record my profound moments of inspiration as if they are Iliads or Odysseys of epic proportions. Because for me, they are.

What can I say that hasn't already been said?

This pretty much says it all: everything there is to know about me right now.

Pen Holder, Flyleaf

I feel your eyes crawling over me
As though I am something more than me
But I don't have anything good enough to say
I did not make myself this way

I'll show you what he did,
But I won't take the credit
It's not mine anyway
I just held the pen that day

And I don't deserve this
This time right now
It's not something for which I can take the bow
And I don't deserve this
It wasn't me
I can't take glory for something that I can't be
I don't deserve this

I know what perfection is like
And I cannot stand before its might
And I'm so far from what you think that I must be
I just drown myself in mercy

And all the art that I supposedly create
Is simply a faded reflection of something He's already made

Endings and Beginnings

When I someday sit down and write the story of my life, it will be merely the highlights--the parts that I remember, that have stood out in some way because of their importance. Moments like this, they seem so crucial when they happen, until a little time passes and then they pale in comparison with the things that last. These moments I'm referring to are the endings.

No one really knows, when a saga begins, if it will be one that continues forever. Was it a chance meeting between two heavanly beings, destined to collide and form a greater body much later in history? Do two events merely brush for a moment, and then continue on barely worse for the wear? I submit that you'll never really know if you've begun an ending, or a beginning, until it ends. Or, it doesn't.

This happens in every aspect of life. Some seem to have it figured out from the beginning, but really, they just chose right on the first try. Others of us locate our destinies by the trial and error method, finding out what is wrong only when we hit the wall and have to go back again. I seem to do this a lot more often, and in my search for the path that is truly mine to wear, I seem to have covered more territory. In this way, I am an accidental explorer of possible destinies, a traveler on walkabout who often becomes lost but is not really lost at all, because the destination is as yet unknown. Yes, in this way, I tend to earn a bit more than my share of scrapes and scars, but I also end up with more stories to tell at the end of the day.

And today is an ending. One that I will not regret, for I cannot have known. It's true that there will always be second-guessing, on whether I should have turned back much earlier, or brought along less baggage that I will now have to lug all the way home, or perhaps whether the choice to pursue this particular path was even a strong bet. In the end, all I can do is shrug, rub some ointment on it, and shoulder my pack for another beginning. One which will hopefully end differently, or not at all.