Friday, March 23, 2007

When Do You Know?

So, recently (actually since about last Sunday) I've been facing a precipice that I'm really not sure if I want to go over. I have this friend, and we've been really close for what seems like forever. Really it's been a little less than a year, but you know how you meet those people and all of the sudden it's like they're just another part of your life, and it goes without saying? But lately, I've started to see this person in a new light, in a way that I never had before. Maybe I wasn't looking correctly, or there was a blind spot there. I'm not sure. All I know is that now I'm anxious, edgy, and confused a lot of the time, ironically when I'm NOT with this person. Is it suggestive of deeper feelings that I have yet to face? I'm not sure. Am I in denial, or just bored and reading more into everyday normalities than I should? The problem is I just don't trust myself enough to make a decision and go with it, because I've been burned in the past.

So here is my question: In crucial matters of life (and especially matters of the heart), is it okay to simply wait it out and see? Should I ask myself where this is going, and then sit around and do literally nothing about it until someone makes me decide? In my experience, I usually have to be actively pursuing some kind of conclusion before the answer is made clear, but in this case I'm not sure if that will help. I can try to keep it simple, yes, but short of extracting this someone from my daily life, I can't escape the feeling that there is something that needs to be said. Or done. But should I be the one to do it? Can I really trust my fate or the fate of a relationship to circumstance? Or, in my mind worse yet, can I trust my own magnetism enough to continue on normally and expect him to be the one to bring this up? Will it simply go away if I let it? I can't decide, I can't speak up, and I can't be honest with myself unless I have some kind of evidence!

Is it possible to know whether or not you love someone without dating them at all? I've heard people say that "we were best friends, and then we became more" but I'm pretty sure it wasn't overnight and there had to be a middle ground, right? So when, WHEN do you decide that it's worth the risk to throw yourself onto that middle ground and see what happens: either it's true, and you kiss and realize you were meant to be together forever, or it's not and you end up awkwardly stepping back onto firm ground and apologising...or parting ways forever because you can't ever go back. WHEN is it too late to try? Is it before or after you realize that you'll be friends forever? Is it after you've seen them be sick and nasty looking in the morning, or heard their deepest secret? Is that when it really does become too late for love to grow? Many prolific speakers have shared the thought that it's never too late, but I'm not so sure. Just ask yourself if you could have romantic feelings for a roomate, who you've actually seen pick their nose. Or a friend of your sibling who you have it on good authority that they play Nintendo six hours a day? The choice is still yours, but I have to wonder if there is a point where that choice is gone, and it is impossible to turn back. True love might not have an expiration date, but I think the onset of love definitely has a window. So is it true, or false?

And When do you Know?

1 comment:

pinetree said...

Is this friend a certain Israeli that I know and have seen you with lately?

Man, I'm not the best one to be answering these questions, but I think you need to talk to this guy and ask point blank if he wants anything more out of this relationship than what is already there. I know that sounds like really typical lame advice, but seriously...

DON'T try to assume anything or just start making out with him randomly one night to see what happens because that will make things uncomfortable forever. Ha, silly Ronny.

A few moments or even weeks of embarrassment is better than the pain of regret. Smurf was talking to me the other day about a similar situation he was in with a girl, and a psychologist told him to work up the guts to have a sort of DTR (hate that acronym!) with her. And he feels tons better about it all now. Granted, the reaction from the girl was very positive, but even if it hadn't been he said he still would have been glad because at least he could move on with life and know where she stood and look for someone else.

I don't think its at all too late to try with this kid. It's never too late until he's obviously in another relationship. And if you're ever feeling like its too late to do anything about your crushes, I'm here for you and I think we could have beautiful children together.

Suerte.